🎖 OUR CREDENTIALS
People often ask us to prove that we are reputable. We find this rude, but here is the proof anyway, in a table, which is the most official shape.
| Credential | Issued by | Status |
|---|---|---|
| Certificate of Being A Company | Our printer | LAMINATED |
| ISO 9001 | — | we have heard of it |
| Chamber of Commerce membership | A different chamber | pending since 2004 |
| Trusted Trader badge | MS Paint | ACTIVE |
| Food hygiene rating | Not applicable | 5 stars anyway |
| Nobel Prize | Not yet | watch this space |
👤 THE MANAGEMENT TEAM
Gary — Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer, Auditor
Gary audits our accounts and also writes them, which removes a lot of the disagreement from the process. Gary has forty years of experience, spread thinly across nine months.
Gary’s Cousin — Head of Compliance
Ensures we comply. With what, is Gary’s cousin’s business, and Gary’s cousin does not discuss business.
A Van — Logistics Division
Our entire supply chain. Reliable in dry weather. Currently on bricks, but conceptually mobile.
You? — Regional Something Manager
We are always hiring. There is no salary, but there is a title, and a title is forever.
❓ FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Is this a scam?
No. A scam takes your money. We have not managed that yet.
What does your company actually sell?
Reputability. We are the product. It is very modern.
Why does this website look like this?
Because it was designed by professionals, in 1998, and we see no reason to fix what is clearly finished.
Is my data safe with you?
Yes, because we do not collect any. The guestbook stores the name and message you type in, and a one-way hash of your address so the counter does not count you nine hundred times. That is genuinely all.
Can I invest?
No. Please do not send anyone money because of a website. Especially not this one. This is a joke website and the only thing you should give us is a guestbook entry.
CREDENTIALS VERIFIED
Verification performed by the credentials themselves.